If you’re the way I used to be, pressure is building inside of you that needs an outlet. You may avoid the suffering part of you because you’re convinced that you are very fortunate and that you’re better off than most people. So you don’t have a right to feel sorry for yourself.

Or perhaps when did share your pain or tried to get your needs met, you were shamed, minimized or met with indifference. That’s the typical plight of people with codependent/oral character styles. We tend to associate with people on the flip side of the coin: addictive/narcissistic character styles.

But a life spent stoically stiffened and “selflessly” caretaking others is often a life of self-deception. There is a difference between selflessness and self-neglect. True selflessness is fueled by good self-care.

Feeling sorry for yourself from time to time can lead to a healthy regimen of good self-care. You can learn to tune in to your intuition, respect your vulnerable feelings, melt the tension from your muscles, loosen control, breathe easier.

For instance, your intuition, if you pay attention to it, will guide you to the perfect movie, book or music, to a massage to nurture your body, to a walk in nature so you can feel connected with the universe, to a healer, a support group, a psychotherapist, spiritual path, or something just right for you.

Be honest with yourself. Feel the pain you have stuffed into your viscera. Breathe into it and feel yourself soften a bit. Admit to yourself that you hurt inside, even if you’re not sure why. Place your hand on your heart. Let the tears come.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” ~Washington Irving

Healthy self-compassion leads us on an inner investigation that reveals family stories, relationship dynamics, and your buried needs and desires.You now have an opportunity to understand yourself more deeply, appreciate your unique gifts, and really claim your life.

Why do you think I became a psychotherapist?

I wanted to understand myself. I wanted to understand human nature.
I wanted to nurture, encourage, inspire … in my own way. But first, I had to get to know myself, for better and worse.

How liberating it was to find out I deserved some pity for the subtle, yet damaging, intricacies of my upbringing. That insight led to some long overdue blaming of my parents (parents usually get the first blow). The blaming eventually subsided into something far more powerful: accountability.

Holding others accountable, in addition to holding myself accountable, has transformed me. Realizing that there is a “no fault” way to understand human interactions and their consequences is almost a magic formula for dissolving resentments and compounded grief.

Eventually, as I filled in developmental gaps (we all have them — mature in some ways, immature in others) I grew into myself. Little by little, I discovered my artistry at listening, empathizing and intuiting. I discovered my rhythm in supporting people … and, when the time was right, challenging them to be true to themselves.